Getting ready!

Well, my insomnia has been on high gear for the past week (kind of the reason I decided to sign on, figure I could do something good with that time). The one thing that I am worried about is when the dawn hours hit.  I’m not worried about screwing up posts (missing one or something) or draining out.  Nope…

Dawn happens to be a trigger for me.  Yeah, this did not dawn (har har) on me until my attack of insomnia struck last night.  I suddenly found myself wondering if the clock was right, I could hear traffic louder than usual, there were a few birds making noise still.  I was warding off the panic when I realized “Ok, I can handle this because it’s not actually dawn. My brain is just confused but I can get a grip on it because I can see it’s pitch black, no sign of the sun rise…”  For Blogathon, I don’t know what will happen if anything.

See the trigger is that for about a week – week and a half during my teen age year I did not sleep.  Yes, I’m serious not a wink. Yes, I did start hallucinating a bit.  The only “sleep” I got was through my ability to dissociate, I shut my brain “off”. I went through my days like a robot to try and conserve energy.  So now I avoid being up for the dawn because the few times I have experienced it since those days, I freak out.  I’m not sure what day it is, I’m not sure if I’ve slept, I panic about how long I’ve been awake for.  I panic that maybe everything that has happened in between those days and now is a hallucination.  I panic that I have never gone to sleep at all since those days.

I don’t know why I was not sleeping back in those days.  There have been some flashback type things that have slowly gotten more and more intense over the years that lead me to think perhaps there was another trauma around that time. (One family member mentioned a few months ago a gut feeling they had about someone else around that time which fit with my flashes. I had not told the family member about the flashes.)  All I remember is just feeling completely alone in the world. I felt like the Apocalypse or a plague happened and I was the last person on Earth.  I wandered around the house staring out of the windows at all the dark houses on the block, not a single light on inside any of them.  The dawn would come and I’d watch everything return to life, there was the steady glow of light, change of color in the sky, the birds woke, the lights in the houses slowly went on, people came out in pajamas and robes to get the paper, cars took off for work.  I’d finally plop down on the bed or a chair and think ” Another day and I haven’t slept. The world goes on.” I just wanted to cry but there was no energy for that.

If you’ve never had the experience of not being sure when time begins and ends, I hope you never do.  If you want another take on it check out the film/documentary “Touching the Void”.  I had a hard time watching that (still sometimes do) but toward the end of the film this type of experience is described and I think the imagery that goes with it is perfect.

In someways I think doing the Blogathon will help.  I think typing, having to think, interact with people, get my posts, will all help keep me grounded.  That’s what I hope.  I haven’t decided whether to turn the blinds on the windows or not. I’ll probably have music on, maybe headphone (I do have noise canceling ones) so if the early morning sounds are too much maybe that will help. I’m some what fearful of this challenge of myself but at the same time I welcome it.  It will be one more step on this path that I will have either attempted to conquer or will conquer.  Let’s hope for the latter!

Thanks again for everyone’s support sponsors and non-sponsors!